Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Phew

I'm having such a hard time with this blog thing.  I'm not sure why.  It's just the LAST THING I think about doing each day and well most of the time...I just don't think about it.  Here's one thing I miss though, having some sort of documentation or journal of Leyton.  It's a great way for me to write stuff down and remember little things that he does.  I always think I'm going to make a book for myself one day with it...but then I wonder if I'm going to do that.

Then I think maybe I put too much out there as well with regards to Leyton.  What if he doesn't want to look back and know that anyone could have read this stuff.  He's getting older and I have to respect that.  I don't want to embarrass him.

I also feel like I fall heavy on Instagram right now.  It's a great way to document with pictures and a single line of text.  It's easier than writing paragraphs of stuff.  But I like writing.  And so the struggle begins.

So I have decided for a time to just keep it simple.  Post very simple, write more when I feel like it.  Share about Leyton but also be careful in what I am sharing.  He's a funny kid in a funny place right now and the stuff that makes me laugh I want to write down and cherish always.  I'm not going to worry about whether or not each post has a picture or will matter to someone.  I'm going to post more for me for a while and see where that takes me.

I leave you with this little funny.  Around Halloween we discovered that Leyton loved the song Ghostbusters.  I decided to show him the movie.  It's not the most age appropriate but not terrible either.  He loved it.  However, when he would watch it he would get bored and only make it about half way and yet would always want us to start at the beginning.

One day he finally made it to the end and was introduced to the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man.  And then they shot him with their lasers and he cried.  He was SO UPSET.  From that point on he would get upset each and every time it got to that scene in the movie.  He would cry every time.  We finally had to discuss that it was just a movie and that if he didn't like it we would need to stop watching it.

I love my sensitive marshmallow loving kid.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Bring it on!

I like a challenge.  A challenge typically helps push me to a goal and keeps me from giving up.  Now, have I completed every challenge that I have set my mind to...nope.  However, what I have found is when I post online and tell the world I am doing something...it keeps me going.  There is this part of me that knows if I give up I am not only letting me down but I feel like I'm letting all of you down too.  That's what helped me through the 30 day Green Boheme Challenge and the 90 day Summer Challenge.  I knew you were rooting for me and reading about what I was doing and helping me stay on track and excited and motivated.

As you've read..life has been tough lately.  When life gets tough I put myself on the back burner and tend to use food as a support.  Food doesn't support though.  It makes me feel good at the first bite but with each unhealthy bite after that I feel ashamed and mad at myself.  So, right now I am way off track.  I don't know how much weight I have gained because it was easier to avoid the scale than face the music.  I see it in my face though, in the way I feel, in the tightness of my clothes.  I just don't like it and I'm ready to make a change.

It's a big one!  Are you ready?  I am!

Starting on November 1st I am going to go raw/vegan for 6 months.  Yep, you read that right...SIX MONTHS.  I felt soo good when I was eating this way so I want to do it again.  Only I know that 30 days is not going to cut it.  I've had way to many years of bad habit to break them in that short amount of a time.  With the help of The Green Boheme community and Chef Brooke I know I can do this.  I want to do it to get healthy.  I want to do it to see what happens to my body in 6 months of eating this way and then be armed with so much information that I will know exactly which path to take after that.

On October 31st I'm also going to go and have some detailed labs drawn.  It's easy on the outside for me to see how this diet affects me physically, but I want to see how it affects me MEDICALLY as well.  Of course I will share all of this with you because if there is one thing I am good at..it's over-sharing!

I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm ready to see what the next 6 months has to offer!!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Health Care

This post is going to be a bit different for me.  Typically things are a bit more personal but today I wanted to talk about something that has been in my head as of late.

Health care.  Yep, I'm about to go there.  Let me start by saying that I am NOT POLITICAL at all.  I don't follow a certain party, I am not for or against a person in office.  Why?  Well because I've always kind of thought you can't believe what you hear, so unless I know you..I'm not going to take your words for fact or truth.

Anyway, I do however work in health insurance and feel like I can speak from a place on the inside...not just the outside looking in.  I've been managing health insurance products for small groups for over 5 years now.  In those 5 years I have seen rates change DRAMATICALLY.  There was a year that every group I had saw a 25% or more increase in their premium...in ONE YEAR.  If you had asked me I would have told you that something needed to give, something needed to change.  So when Obama Care came about I was not for or against it.  I needed to see how it played out.  I did see some good in it though.  Did we need to get rid of pre-existing conditions?  Yes.  Why?  Well, because why have insurance at all if the sick can't even be covered?  Did we need to get rid of lifetime maximums?  Yes.  Why?  Well, very similar to the above.  There are people out there that were running out of health insurance for using it so much....but I'm pretty sure they were using it so much because THEY NEEDED IT!  Did we need to cover kids till 26 on their parents plans?  Nope, not really.  Get them on their own, get them to be more independent.  Sorry, I went off my parents plan at 18 and I TOTALLY survived.  Ultimately though I agreed that we needed to find a way for more people to be able to get health insurance and hopefully do so at an expense that wouldn't kill them.

Speaking from a business standpoint though I do not see how this is going to work out.  The way the rules are right now a small business of 50 or more people MUST provide health insurance and must pay for 50% of it.  Problem is, part timers count towards that number.  I have a business that now must provide health insurance because he has enough part timers to reach that 50 mark.  This is going to cost him over $66,000 a year!  For many companies, this is going to break their back and make them go under.  Or, it's going to cause small business to fire people so they stay under 50 and only hire young because they are cheaper to insure.  Also, for all of you out there with employers who are paying for your plan and complaining about how they do nothing for you and your medical insurance sucks...SHUT UP.  It is NOT your employers fault.  Truth of the matter is you probably have no idea how much insurance even costs in the first place and don't even know how your plan works.  I didn't.  Six years ago I was in your shoes complaining and I have learned that you shouldn't complain when you don't know the facts.  I hear people all the time who have to go on COBRA and bitch that it is so expensive.  Actually, it's just the full cost of your insurance.  You are now just paying your part AND what your employer paid.  Health Insurance is expensive and it's not getting any better.  For SOME prices will go down.  For those that are eligible for subsidy, well it will definitely go down.

I'm not one to say I want to mooch off the government, but damn the subsidy doesn't make sense either.  Let me give you an example.  If I go look on Covered California and plug in my family and what we make...we qualify for subsidy.  Thing is though, we can't get it.  Why?  Well, my husband's employer allows dependents to be on the health plan.  Only...they pay nothing for dependents.  That is typical.  There are very few employers out there (I know of none) that pay for dependents and good lord if your employer does then NEVER LEAVE.  So, what that says to me is the government or state thinks I don't make enough to pay for my health insurance but won't help me out for it because I'm eligible for something else...even though I have to pay for that 100% out of my own pocket.  It just doesn't quite make sense to me how this is going to help families that ARE working.

Needless to say, there are benefits and there are drawbacks.  I'm in it and I see it and I'm here to say...it's not all fair.  No matter who you support, this is not going to help everyone.  Did we need change?  Yes.  Do I think that this is the answer?  Nope.  I just don't honestly see how it's going to work out.  We live in a world of supporting small business and yet this is going to do the exact opposite.

That is my political rant for the day.  It probably will never happen again.  Oh, and if your employer offers health insurance...please go thank them and quit bashing them because chances are....it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the cost of health insurance.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Adventures

Leyton and I take a lot of "adventures." Here's the thing though, anything can be an adventure.  Sometimes we just go to Target, sometimes to the park or sometimes we do something new and different.  No matter what, if Leyton and I are doing something by ourselves together I ALWAYS call it an adventure.

On Saturday as I was getting ready and Leyton was eating breakfast I asked him if he wanted to go on an adventure with me.  He was super excited and asked, "Where are we going?" I told him that it was going to be a surprise adventure.  He replied with, "Maybe we are going to go to the store!  Maybe we are going to go to the bakery!"

His Dad and I laughed our asses off.  The bakery?!  I have never taken him to a bakery nor did I think he even knew the word bakery.  Looks like I'm going to have to find us a bakery though so we can go there on our next adventure.

Instead this weekend's adventures were to Target, the park, the local fire station open house, the farmer's market and a drive to get our favorite drinks.  It was a great weekend with my boy!!

The park we went to has lots of things that spin.  Leyton is still a huge fan of spinning and getting dizzy.  Some of you may not have been around long enough to remember this:

This is Leyton at 8 months old in a doorway jumper.  He figured out how to spin in them and that was all he would do.  Needless to say, once he figured it out he wasn't allowed in the jumper anymore.

Fast forward to now.  Last time we came to this park he got sick from spinning so much so this time I kept it at a minimum.

That laugh kills me!!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Once a writer, always a writer.

Just like that, I'm back.  I think after I wrote my last post I knew that I couldn't be gone forever.  That being gone forever was not the answer.  I just needed to figure out a way to do things differently.  At the moment of writing that post I hated social media and all the BS that comes along with it.  Ten minutes after posting I saw the good in it.  I realized all the friends that I have gotten back in touch with, all the ways these people have helped me.  I heard from people that I may not know well or in person who asked that I not be gone long, that they liked what I wrote and related and it helped them in some way.  The truth is, it helps me too.  I have to come to the understanding that it's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows over here and that's fine.  That when it isn't people will either read or not read and that is also fine.  It's fine because on many levels it helps me get through stuff.

It's been a rough year and has only gotten rougher.  It's been one of those where you think "it couldn't get worse"...and yet it does.  When my car died the other day I had no idea what I was going to do.  The thought of buying a car made me sick to my stomach.  I wasn't sure I'd qualify, I wasn't sure I'd have a deposit, I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my old car.  Because of social media it took one day to get all that settled and I'm thankful for that.  Facebook and friends came through for the win!  Thanks again to an old friend (and we realized just how OLD we were yesterday) Brent who helped me through a tough time.

When I got home I was happy and in some part of me had a sense of relief.  Just a few moments later though I got a call that my Step Dad had passed away.  Bruce was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of March and at that time they thought that with treatment he would have a lot of time left.  It was cancer but there was no need for great worry.  Sadly, he didn't get better from treatment though.  He just kept getting worse.

Bruce and I did not have a good relationship, I was not his biggest fan.  A couple years ago I ended any relationship we did have and I know that was very hard for my Mom.  I hated causing her that stress but it was something I had to do and I do not regret the decision.  Here's the thing though, he has been in my life for roughly 30 years.  There have been instances through that time that I had awful thoughts about him.  Now, as an adult, knowing he was going through something awful was hard to deal with.  I felt guilty because ultimately I don't want any harm to come to anyone.  While I know none of this is my fault, there is a part of me that it was eating up inside.  Now he is gone and I am sad.  I am sad he had to go through what he went through.  I am sad that my Mom has to go through this.  I am sad that he never was the Dad for me that I'm sure he wanted to be.  Through whatever shortcomings he had, he had a huge heart and he cared for me.  He also cared for my Mom more than anything else in this world.

Today I will get on a flight to Florida to be with her and help her out.

I am not a person that lives a life of "poor me." I'm positive, I try to see the good in things.  I live my life feeling that things happen for a reason and at the time they are happening we might not understand, but when we look back we will know.  Right now though I'm having a hard time feeling that way.  I'm tired of all this bad shit happening.

Please pray if you pray, make a wish if you make a wish on a star, throw a penny in a fountain if you throw pennies or just think to yourself out loud that you hope it gets better for all of my family.  We are all very tired right now and need some positive mojo.

Monday, September 30, 2013

How do I, say goodbye?

The time has come to say goodbye.  I've been mulling this over for a while and today it just all became very clear that I have to step away from this blog and step away from the world of the online for a bit.  If you follow and have been following for a long time then thank you so much for coming around and I'm sorry this is goodbye.

Here's the deal.  Life is rough and I don't want to just sit on here and post about the rough shit.  I'm having a hard time with my son.  I thought parenting would be so easy, but it's not.  I'm the mom who yells and that weighs heavy on me.  I didn't get a laid back child.  I did however get a child that I love tremendously.  To come on here and just post the fun we have would not be real and so I think I'd rather just not write about it at all.  I don't want him coming on here in 10+ years and questioning what I wrote about him.  I love him too much for that.

In less than a year 3 family members have passed away.  I've lived much of my life without having to deal with that kind of thing and as it turns out...I'm not good at it.  I'm having a hard time with it.  On top of that my step father is dying of cancer.  Most of you don't know him, don't know any history of him and you don't need to.  My Mom does and I don't write about things on here so I don't hurt her feelings.  He has been in my life for 30 years and on many different levels this is hard to deal with.

Today my car overheated and I know this means that it's done.  It's at the shop, but the chance of it getting fixed are slim to none.  Sadly the chance of buying another car is just about the same.  I posted a pic and it was brought to my attention that some may take the picture the wrong way.  It is so silly, but that was the icing on my cake.  Why?  Well, the same people that might judge me for that picture are people that would hate for people to judge them without knowing all the facts.  No matter what our situation is, we all need to be careful about how much judging we do of people.

You see, that is what this whole online thing is anyway right?  It's a place to share and a place to sit back and judge other people.  We might do it quietly, we might do it "publicly" by making mean comments anonymously.  We find people we like online, people who we think are the same as us but sadly...we really don't even know each other.  I dare say that it has made things distant between the actual people that might know me.  It has given everyone a window into my life so why come knock on the door and say hello and see what I'm doing when you can just peek inside.  That is my own fault.

So, I need a break.  I need to clear my head.  Instead of to you, I'm going to create a journal and do some good old fashioned pen writing to myself like I used to.  I'll be taking a blog break and taking a Facebook break.  I will however still post on Instagram.  I like pictures, Instagram still makes me happy.

I'm sure some of us will find a way to keep in touch.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Why you gotta be so far?

When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to live somewhere else.  At 20 years old I packed up and moved away to Boston and a year later came back.  I loved it there, but had reasons to come home and then met my husband.

Long long before that, my Grandmother retired and sold her home in Napa and traveled the US with my Grandfather.  They ended up settling in a small town in Texas, which is where my Grandma lives currently.

Ten years ago my Mom retired and she and my Step Dad moved to Florida.  I remember being really excited for her and at the same time saying, "you know this isn't going to be so fun when I have kids."

Guess what?  This shit isn't fun.  I don't have family here for the most part.  I don't have a support system to rely on like that.  I think it's worse knowing that there is support out there...it is just SO FAR OUT THERE.  Also, everyone is getting older.  My Grandma just had another stint in the hospital at the same time that my Step Dad had a stint in the hospital.  I couldn't just hop in the car and drive to help either of them out.

My Mom is stressed out.  I think a good portion of this has to do with the fact that my Mom is dealing with this alone.  If she were here, I could help her.  If my Grandma were here, she could support her.  Instead we are all spread out and spend our time getting updates on phones and laptops.

My mission, get them back here.  They both have reasons why they can't come back this instant, but when the opportunity is a little more viable there is nothing that will stop me from making them return.  As I have gotten older and had a child I have realized how important it is to have support from family.  I know that as Leyton grows older he may decide to move to various places and you know what?  I'm going to follow him.  I don't need to live with him but I don't ever want to be so far away either that he carries that burden on his shoulders should something go wrong.

I have a good Mommy, I have a good Grandma.  I miss them both.

Yesterday this song popped into my head.  I realized last night I was humming it ALL DAY.  I couldn't figure out where I would have picked it up.  I went online last night to listen to it so I could see if I was reminded.  Did I hear it in a commercial?  In a movie or a show?

After listening I realized it is none of the above.  I just spoke about music being powerful.  How a single song can speak to you and capture an emotion or event so perfectly you feel as if it was written just for you.  This song was written before I was born and yet right now I feel like it is the story of my life.  I think my subconscious pulled this song from the archives of my mind because it knew it was perfect.  I watched the video last night and cried.




Holding you again could only do me good.