Just like that, I'm back. I think after I wrote my last post I knew that I couldn't be gone forever. That being gone forever was not the answer. I just needed to figure out a way to do things differently. At the moment of writing that post I hated social media and all the BS that comes along with it. Ten minutes after posting I saw the good in it. I realized all the friends that I have gotten back in touch with, all the ways these people have helped me. I heard from people that I may not know well or in person who asked that I not be gone long, that they liked what I wrote and related and it helped them in some way. The truth is, it helps me too. I have to come to the understanding that it's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows over here and that's fine. That when it isn't people will either read or not read and that is also fine. It's fine because on many levels it helps me get through stuff.
It's been a rough year and has only gotten rougher. It's been one of those where you think "it couldn't get worse"...and yet it does. When my car died the other day I had no idea what I was going to do. The thought of buying a car made me sick to my stomach. I wasn't sure I'd qualify, I wasn't sure I'd have a deposit, I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my old car. Because of social media it took one day to get all that settled and I'm thankful for that. Facebook and friends came through for the win! Thanks again to an old friend (and we realized just how OLD we were yesterday) Brent who helped me through a tough time.
When I got home I was happy and in some part of me had a sense of relief. Just a few moments later though I got a call that my Step Dad had passed away. Bruce was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of March and at that time they thought that with treatment he would have a lot of time left. It was cancer but there was no need for great worry. Sadly, he didn't get better from treatment though. He just kept getting worse.
Bruce and I did not have a good relationship, I was not his biggest fan. A couple years ago I ended any relationship we did have and I know that was very hard for my Mom. I hated causing her that stress but it was something I had to do and I do not regret the decision. Here's the thing though, he has been in my life for roughly 30 years. There have been instances through that time that I had awful thoughts about him. Now, as an adult, knowing he was going through something awful was hard to deal with. I felt guilty because ultimately I don't want any harm to come to anyone. While I know none of this is my fault, there is a part of me that it was eating up inside. Now he is gone and I am sad. I am sad he had to go through what he went through. I am sad that my Mom has to go through this. I am sad that he never was the Dad for me that I'm sure he wanted to be. Through whatever shortcomings he had, he had a huge heart and he cared for me. He also cared for my Mom more than anything else in this world.
Today I will get on a flight to Florida to be with her and help her out.
I am not a person that lives a life of "poor me." I'm positive, I try to see the good in things. I live my life feeling that things happen for a reason and at the time they are happening we might not understand, but when we look back we will know. Right now though I'm having a hard time feeling that way. I'm tired of all this bad shit happening.
Please pray if you pray, make a wish if you make a wish on a star, throw a penny in a fountain if you throw pennies or just think to yourself out loud that you hope it gets better for all of my family. We are all very tired right now and need some positive mojo.